As I wrote in my last blog post, boundaries and forgiveness have truly been the cornerstones to my healing process. Boundaries can be an easier concept for people to implement in their lives but forgiveness seems to be a concept that most individuals get hung up on in the healing process. Let me first start by saying that if you think that holding on to the anger, pain and toxicity of unforgiveness in any way helps you I can (with 110% confidence) tell you that you may be misguided in your thinking. There is an amazing book called "The Body Keeps the Score" that I recommend for anyone wanting to learn about how their physical "disease" ties to their trauma and their holding on of the trauma in the form of not forgiving or unforgiveness.
The form of healing and spirituality that I practice is deeply rooted in faith and the belief of God or a Higher Power. For those that just read that and consider themselves to be Atheists or Agnostics I say this, I also do not believe in the God that you don't believe in. The idea of a "Sky Daddy" (thanks Rainn) looking down on us and just waiting for someone to mess up so they can be struck down is not a religious ideal that I believe exists. I believe in a higher power or knowing, an energy that lives within us all and is ever present and always forgiving and wants to see us living in our highest reality and most abundant timeline. Without forgiveness (for ourselves and others) this ideal cannot exist. That everything, even the absolute worst experiences we have had in our lives can make us a better, more loving, and compassionate person. I know this is a hard place to get to!
As I shared a little in my last post, my childhood, although may have looked ideal to most people was a source of great pain for me in my life from age 8 until about age 45. The trauma and other unpleasant experiences I had growing up shaped who I was as a person and how I showed up in the world. This inner turmoil manifested itself in so many ways but I would say the top 3 ways were depression, morbid obesity, and the onset of type 2 Diabetes. I didn't want to have to take medicine to heal these issues however it was what was needed at the time and for awhile I was on a cocktail of Metformin, Ozempic and Prozac. All were great at stopping the physical symptoms of these diseases (high blood sugar, weight control, depression/mood swings) but none were actually helping me heal what I knew was "dis-eased" in my spirit. And then one day I saw a quick video of a show Oprah did on forgiveness and what it meant and suddenly I knew where the healing needed to happen. So what is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It means to let go of the HOPE that the past could have been any different. That what happened wasn't your fault or something that you deserve but that it DID happen and you are letting go of that anger, bitterness and toxicity and moving on. I also heard on Rainn WIlson's podcast Soul Boom, that forgiveness is saying that what someone did to you was so hurtful and changed your life so much that you no longer want to be tied to those low vibrational feelings or energy and that you are letting it go and moving on. Stepping into your best and highest self!
What forgiveness DOES NOT mean is that what happened to you was ok or acceptable in any way, shape or form. You did not deserve to be sexually, physically, mentally, or emotionally abused. Nor does it mean that you would like to spend time or have that person in your life going forward in the future. It just means that you are done with letting it control who you are and how you want to be in the world. It takes the power away from the person that abused or hurt you and gives it back to you. FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT YOU GIVE YOURSELF!
Can I sit here and say I forgive everyone immediately when they do or say something that hurts me? NOPE! Can I say that I have forgiven all of the pain and trauma I have experienced in my life? Also, NOPE! But what I can say with 100% certainty is that when I started forgiving and letting people have that control over me my life changed pretty quickly. We are all a work in progress and some days the work is easy and quick and other days it's like pushing a boulder uphill. The more you hurt the harder it is to forgive, but on the flip side of that coin is, the more you forgive the easier it is to LIVE!!
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